As anyone who has ever gone through a convalescence knows, it can be difficult not to jump ahead in the healing process and feel ready to take on the world mentally before the body is truly ready. Lately, the sheer amount of passive entertainment I’ve been taking in has been feeling more and more like an enormous waste of time.
This is a good sign–sort of. It means that I have enough extra mental energy to fret a bit about how I’m spending my time, which means I’m feeling better than I have been the last couple months. I’m in that middle phase, wanting to be able to do more, but not doing it. My kitchen table is piled with sewing materials and patterns, but I’m still not ready to get down to sewing.
The mindfullness training I’m doing be meditating is helpful here. I have two new complimentary projects I’m working on right now. First, is to come back to now. Right now, I am recovering from the last couple months, and if what I feel up to is watching television shows or reading novels for most of the day, it is what it is. I was really fighting this until my lovely yoga therapist assigned me to refocus on accepting my current activity level, and even accepting the resistance I feel to that. So I pause for acceptance through the day.
My second assignment was from my fantastic psych therapist. I’m to spend 10 minutes a day really getting into the feeling of what a waste of time it is to do what I’m doing. To meditate on it and explore it. And then, to put it away until the following day. Ten minutes, no more, no less.
This exploration has been interesting. I’m feeling much more peaceful in general, and discovering some “kinks” in my thought patterns that mean I’m harder on myself than necessary. Again, it comes down to me being grateful to be exactly where I am, learning and growing and healing. It’s hard work, and it’s important work, and I’m grateful to have some excellent teachers in my life, at the right time for it to do me good.