This was my most recent yoga therapy homework: I am to get on the mat and do child’s pose every day. What comes after that is up to me. I HAVE to give myself permission to stop after one pose. Why? Because otherwise I won’t get on the mat. If I have energy for more, great! If I don’t, congratulations me, I’ve done my yoga practice for the day.
I thought this was a perfect, brilliant assignment. Just what I needed to start forming that habit of daily practice. I thought my reason for not being on my mat once a day was that I was being too hard on myself. If I was going to get on my mat, I needed to do my full yoga routine. And that seemed like way too much some days. Child’s pose, however–that I can do no matter how I feel.
It’s been a week and a half, and I’ve hit my daily goal about 50%. That’s kind of awful. I mean, how hard is it to do a restful, bolstered child’s pose every day. I may be hard on myself, but honestly, this shouldn’t be beyond me.
So what’s the problem? I’m not sure. I keep thinking of it, and putting it off, and then it’s late, and I’m tired, and I go to bed. It could be that, since this has been a particularly high-pain couple of weeks, I’ve been so absorbed in my distraction mechanisms I haven’t been able to pull myself into the moment and spend time with my pain. I’ve certainly watched more than my usual share of TV this last couple weeks.
I also have not felt much like taking care of myself lately. There really isn’t anything more important I need my energy for (how could there be?), but to be honest, it feels like a bit of a waste to spend it on myself when I’m in so much pain. That sounds really terrible, doesn’t it?
I don’t know exactly why this brilliant plan isn’t working. I’m clearly, despite logic, choosing not to participate half the time. I feel guilty about this, and yet I continue. I’m not miserable, even with the high pain, but I’m not doing everything I can to feel better, either. Why not?
Sounds like a question for my psych therapist, perhaps. Anybody reading ever go through this? What did you learn about yourself and how did you find your motivation?